Curiosity, Listening, and the Art of ADHD Coaching

What makes someone a good ADHD coach?

It sounds like a simple question, but I think the answer tells us a lot about what coaching is supposed to do.

A good coach needs training, knowledge, and strong coaching skills. But some of the most important parts of coaching are harder to put on a checklist: curiosity, active listening, the ability to sit with uncertainty, and a genuine belief that the person sitting across from us is the expert on their own life.

I recently had a wonderful conversation about this with ADHD coach and mentor coach Adela Baker, PCC, PCAC, on ADHDtime on Air. Adela was one of my mentor coaches, and our conversation got me thinking about what good ADHD coaching looks like, what it should not look like, and how we know when it is actually working.

Coaching Is Not About Having All the Answers

There is a lot of advice available for people with ADHD.

Use this planner. Try this app. Set an alarm. Get up earlier. Make a list. Follow this morning routine.

Some of those strategies may be helpful. But none of them works for everyone.

One of the things Adela emphasized in our conversation is that coaching is a collaborative process. A coach and client explore together how the client's brain works, where things are getting difficult, what strengths are already present, and what supports or accommodations might help.

That requires a different mindset from giving advice.

If a client tells me that something isn't working, my first job isn't necessarily to tell them what to do instead.

I can get curious.

When has this worked before?

What was different then?

What made it easier?

What support was present?

What could we learn from that?

Sometimes the most useful solution isn't one I could have suggested because it is specific to that person's brain, environment, priorities, and life.

A Good Coach Is Curious

When I asked Adela what makes a good coach, one of the first things she talked about was the coaching mindset.

That includes curiosity and a belief that clients have knowledge about themselves that we can help them uncover.

I love that description.

Expertise matters. ADHD coaches should understand ADHD. We should understand coaching. We should continue learning and developing our skills.

But expertise should make us more curious, not less.

Knowing a great deal about ADHD does not mean knowing exactly what a particular person with ADHD needs.

ADHD doesn't look the same in everyone. Neither do people's families, jobs, relationships, environments, values, resources, or goals.

Good coaching has to leave room for the individual.

Active Listening May Be One of Our Most Important Tools

During our conversation, I asked Adela one of my favorite questions: If she had a magic wand and could change something about the way we interact with neurodiversity and with one another, what would she change?

Her answer was that she would make us better active listeners.

That answer has stayed with me because active listening is at the heart of good coaching.

Listening isn't simply remaining quiet until it is our turn to speak.

It requires curiosity. It requires noticing our own assumptions and judgments. And sometimes it requires being comfortable with silence.

That last part can be surprisingly difficult.

When someone pauses, we often want to help. We fill the space with another question, an idea, reassurance, or our own experience.

But sometimes the other person isn't finished.

They may be thinking.

They may be searching for the right words.

They may be discovering what they think while they are saying it.

Sometimes the most helpful thing we can do is give someone enough space to hear themselves think.

That isn't only useful in coaching. It matters in parenting, partnerships, friendships, workplaces, and almost every relationship we have.

Training and Credentials Matter

The growth in ADHD awareness has also led to tremendous growth in ADHD coaching.

That is exciting, but it can make choosing a coach confusing.

Lived experience with ADHD can be valuable. It can contribute empathy, insight, and understanding. But having ADHD does not, by itself, provide someone with professional coaching skills.

Training matters.

Adela made an important distinction in our conversation between completing a certification program and earning a professional coaching credential. They are not necessarily the same thing.

If you are considering working with an ADHD coach, it is completely appropriate to ask:

What training have you completed?

What credentials do you hold?

How much coaching experience do you have?

What is your approach to ADHD coaching?

A good coach should be comfortable answering those questions.

How Do We Know When Coaching Is Working?

This was one of the most interesting parts of my conversation with Adela.

We talk a lot about how to start coaching. We don't talk nearly as much about how to know when it is time to stop.

Adela described her goal as eventually putting herself out of a job.

I think that's an important way to think about successful coaching.

The goal isn't for someone to become dependent on a coach to function. And success doesn't mean that ADHD disappears or that everything suddenly becomes easy.

Instead, the person develops a better understanding of themselves.

They know what strategies work for them.

They recognize when they need support.

They become more comfortable asking for that support.

And when something goes wrong, they increasingly have the confidence to say, That didn't go as planned, but I handled it.

Adela described this development through four A's:

Awareness. Acceptance. Accommodations. Ask.

First, I understand how my brain works.

Then I begin accepting what I know about myself, including the things that may be difficult.

I identify the accommodations and supports that help me.

And finally, I learn how to ask for what I need.

That is a very different definition of success from simply becoming “more organized.”

Is the Pile Actually a Problem?

Toward the end of our conversation, we started talking about values and priorities, and I shared one of my own examples.

I don't care if my socks are sorted. I care if they're clean.

I can also live quite peacefully with some of my piles.

If leaving my socks unsorted gives me time and energy for something I value more, then sorting socks isn't the priority.

That doesn't mean clutter isn't a problem. For some people, it absolutely is.

The important question is whether this particular pile is a problem for this particular person.

Sometimes we spend enormous amounts of energy trying to meet an external standard of what an organized home, productive employee, successful student, or competent adult is supposed to look like.

Coaching gives us an opportunity to ask a different question:

Does the way I'm spending my time and energy support what actually matters to me?

If the answer is no, maybe something needs to change.

But if the answer is yes, perhaps the socks can stay unsorted.

Good Coaching Should Help You Understand Yourself Better

I don't think the purpose of ADHD coaching is to create a more organized version of someone else's idea of who you should be.

It is to help you understand how you work, identify what matters to you, recognize the supports you need, and make choices that fit your goals and values.

A good coach brings knowledge and skill to that process.

But they also bring curiosity.

They listen.

They ask questions.

They leave room for silence.

And they don't assume that because they understand ADHD, they automatically understand you.

Of course, these are not all the qualities that make a good ADHD coach. They are some of the ones that came up in my conversation with Adela, and I think they are among the most important: training, curiosity, active listening, an individualized approach, and a willingness to trust the client as an active partner in the coaching process.

I'd love to hear what you think. What else makes a good ADHD coach? If you've worked with a coach, what made that relationship particularly helpful?

This post was inspired by my conversation with Adela Baker, PCC, PCAC, on ADHDtime on Air. We talked about ADHD coaching, what makes a good coach, Turbo Thinkers, coaching credentials, active listening, what social media gets right and wrong about ADHD, and how we know when a coaching relationship has done what it came to do.

🎧 Watch or listen to the full conversation

If You're Looking to Work With an ADHD Coach

If you're interested in working with me, I'm Daniella Karidi, PhD, CPC, an ADHD and Executive Coach and memory researcher. I work with adults and high school and college-age students with ADHD and executive function challenges, as well as parents. You can learn more about my coaching and schedule a free introductory conversation at ADHDtime.com.

To learn more about Adela Baker, PCC, PCAC and her coaching, visit Mind Coach

You can also search for ADHD coaches through the ADHD Coaches Organization (ACO) directory

The right coach isn't necessarily the same coach for everyone. Ask questions about training, credentials, experience, coaching approach, and whether the relationship feels like a good fit for what you want to work on.